The Man with the Iron Fists
What’s it about?
Heads, limbs and plausibility go bye-bye as a soundtrack of phat beatz bludgeons away in this homage to classic kung-fu cinema, written and directed by rapper, producer and Wu-Tang Clan merchandise seamstress RZA. In a jungle village, the confusingly named Jungle Village, where the hip-hopper strains – unconvincingly – to play a humble blacksmith, named Blacksmith, an old chap, Gold, is offed by his crooked henchmen, Silver and Bronze. A knife-brandishing English soldier, named (groan) Knife, turns up, oh, and there’s a big bloke who can turn his body into brass, and he’s named Brass Body, and … no, sorry, this is pointless.
What did we think?
Ben says: There’s no doubting RZA’s long-held passion for chopsocky – but he hasn’t created a film. This is as authentic as glupping Red Bull with Sushi Train. This is his indulgent mess of a wet dream. And it’s utter wank.
Pitch Perfect
What’s it about?
Beca (Anna Kendrick) isn’t the sociable type but somehow gets cajoled into joining a social activity group called the Bellas. They “sing songs without any instruments at all. It’s all from our mouths” (insert appropriate blonde giggle here). But the Bellas are going to have to switch up their tired repertoire if they want a shot at beating their rivals, the Treblemakers, at nationals.
What did we think?
Liz says: This film is what you would get if you sucked Glee dry of all it’s sugary, saccharine nonsense and injected it full of sassy, smart dialogue and a twisted sense of humour. Rebel Wilson steals the show as Fat Amy and had people in my audience applauding nearly every time she was on screen. There are moments where Pitch Perfect verges on taking itself too seriously, but they are few and this flick has attitude.
Top 25 Teen Flicks of All Time
The final Twilight film is out, and everyone is happy. The fans get the final chapter, and people like me get the knowledge that there won’t be any more. Sorry, but I got 10 minutes into the first film and had to walk out. The pouting, the angst, the pouting. I had my share of teen movies when I was a teenager.
Which made me think – every generation has the chance to create the greatest teen movie of all time. Before they do so, they need to see what’s reached that pinnacle so they can stand on the shoulders of giants.
That said, open the curtains, roll the ads for the candy bar, dim the lights, and prepare to tell me where I got it totally wrong …
Top 25 Teen Flicks of All Time
- Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – no explanation needed. The ultimate teen film
- Kick Ass – because Chloë Grace Moretz KICKS ASS
- Grease – it’s a shame no one can be stranded at a drive-in anymore
- To Sir With Love – groundbreaking for its time, and still has the power to break your heart
- Rebel Without A Cause – the textbook on how to be a troubled teen
- Stand By Me – story by Stephen King, directed by Rob Reiner, cast included River Phoenix & Wil Wheaton. Hard to beat this calibre.
- Romeo + Juliet – Shakespeare rocketed into the 20th Century with some chap called Leonardo
- The Breakfast Club – high school is hell … welcome to purgatory
- The Wild One – Brando was so bad the film was banned in the UK
- Back to the Future – Doc! DeLorean! Making sure your parents pash!
- Fast Times at Ridgemont High – keeping in real in the 80’s
- Footloose – something the red states of the US should watch again ASAP
- Wayne’s World – Bohemian Rhapsody head banging … Schwing!
- Ghost World – awkward, outcast teens & geeks in the noughties
- Heathers – because nothing says “I love you” than murdering the cool kids who make fun of you
- Edward Scissorhands – because a best-of movie list without Johnny Depp isn’t a list
- Dead Poet’s Society – be inspired and jump on your desk before Robin Williams starts doing silly voices again
- Donnie Darko – I wasn’t sure if this should make the list, but there’s this rabbit sitting next to me who is very convincing
- Pump Up The Volume – before the internet, there was pirate radio. Talk hard!
- Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion – OMG, like, you know?
- American Pie – flautists were never looked at the same way again
- The Harry Potter Series – some films plod, but just watching the trio growing up (oh, those magical pains of puberty) warrants a mention
- Risky Business – Tom Cruise in underwear. Before he became a nut-job (allegedly)
- American Graffiti – yes kids, George Lucas made films aside from Star Wars
- Mean Girls – Heathers without the murders but balanced out with Lindsay Lohan
- Superbad – McLovin’
- Bend it Like Beckham – Keira Knightly playing football
- I Know What You Did Last Summer – teenagers being murdered for fun
- Fame – remember my name
- Clueless – it’s Jane Austin, bitch!
- 10 Things I Hate About You – it’s Shakespeare, bitch!
- Easy A – it’s The Scarlet Letter, bitch!
- Sixteen Candles – it sucks when everyone forgets your birthday
- Scott Pilgrim vs. the World – who knew dating could be this dangerous?
- Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead – because Christina Applegate
- Zombieland – because Bill Murray. because zombies
- Juno – the sobering side to teen sex
- Teen Wolf – Michael’s a Fox appears again with some harmless fluff
- Twilight – setting the image of the modern woman back 50 years
- Crossroads – because Britney, bitch!
- Porky’s – good idea, poorly made. American Pie got it right
- Return to the Blue Lagoon – you’d think Hollywood would have learnt from their mistakes, wouldn’t you?
- Step Up 1, 2 & 3 – speaking of mistakes … you really think a reason needs to be made?
Skyfall
What’s it about?
James Bond’s (Daniel Craig) loyalty to M (Judi Dench) is tested when a blast from her past bites her on the ass. Then, when MI6 is attacked by a cyber terrorist, things get all meta and Bond’s old-school secret service hand-to-hand combat is pitted against a high-tech, gadget-savvy villain (Javier Bardem).
What did we think?
Ben says: Bond and his frost-faced boss, M, are facing their most formidable threat, and no, it’s not Bardem’s unambiguously camp supervillain. No, it’s the risk of obsolescence – onscreen as well as off. Yet, with the pall of death bookending the 23rd film in the franchise – from the haunting Adele-crooned title sequence and opening plot gambit, to the most un-Bondlike maudlin final reel – there’s life yet in the spy and his series, both proving craggily endurable. By Skyfall’s climax, Craig’s 007 seems more dutiful son than lethal gallivanter this time, but plentiful winks to trademark tropes (my word, is that an exploding pen in your pocket?) will reassure viewers the Bond mix is only being stirred, not shaken.
End of Watch
What’s it about?
Brian Taylor (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Mike Zavala (Michael Pena) are two LA police officers and long-time friends who go all Riggs and Murtaugh on a Mexican drug cartel and end up with a price on their heads.
What did we think?
Mitch says: Look, I guess this movie has its positives, especially if you’re already a fan of cop films. But their big thing at the start is how this is all footage shot by the cops themselves, and then it’s like the director just straight-up forgot that’s what they were doing, or maybe he just thought it was too hard to maintain. Handheld/’found’ footage is a slippery beast at the best of times, but establishing it as the crux of your storytelling method then just periodically abandoning it seems kind of insane, really.
The Master
What’s it about?
This is a movie about L Ron Hubbard, and the beginnings of the cult of Scientology. Except [makes rabbit ears with both hands] “it’s not”.
What did we think?
James says: The illustrations of psychological conditioning in this film border on the intellectually violent, with Joaquin Phoenix, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams all delivering expertly crafted performances. Moreover, the cinematography was sublime and the soundtrack eerie and fitting.
If this movie was created to compare a few of the darkest corners of inhumanity, it succeeds in a fascinating yet horrifying way. However, the fact that it’s difficult to like or relate to any of the protagonists makes it an uneasy watch. This movie will polarise people its viewers deeply.