Red Dawn (2012)

What’s it about?
Noth Korea invade the US. A group of teenagers get trained in a montage and fight back in a vigilante group.

What did we think?
Anthony says: With a flimsy plot, poor characterisations and giant leaps of credibility, Red Yawn (see what I did there?) has very little going for it. Chris Hemsworth does a good job if you ignore an inconsistent accent but everyone and everything else is highly forgettable. This collection of cliches is a terrible movie whether you’ve seen the original or not.

Rise of the Guardians

What’s it about?
When the evil spirit Pitch launches an assault on Earth, the Immortal Guardians team up to protect the innocence of children all around the world.

What did we think?
While very clever, the storyline in this animated flick is more for adults than children. Not to say they won’t enjoy it, but it’s not something they’ll rave about or even remember a day or two later. Interesting but not engaging. Grown-ups should find the plot intriguing and name-the-voice good fun.

Celeste and Jesse Forever

What’s it about?
Celeste (Rashida Jones) and Jesse (Andy Samberg) are the perfect couple. Well, except for the fact that they are getting divorced. Screening at selected cinemas.

What did we think?
Liz says: For all the cheesy romantic comedies that Hollywood churns out, there are those films that invert the genre with aching honesty and richly drawn characters. This is definitely the latter. A smart and original flick written by Jones herself, this is an intensely human portrayal of what comes after the happily ever after. There’s no big, romance-conquers-all, orchestra-swelling finale; no big, looking-back-on-moments-past-only-to-realise-you’re-really-in-love-with-your-ex-who-is-just-about-to-get-married-to-someone-else montage. This simple film needs no bells and whistles to prove that time really does heal all wounds.

The Man with the Iron Fists

What’s it about?
Heads, limbs and plausibility go bye-bye as a soundtrack of phat beatz bludgeons away in this homage to classic kung-fu cinema, written and directed by rapper, producer and Wu-Tang Clan merchandise seamstress RZA. In a jungle village, the confusingly named Jungle Village, where the hip-hopper strains – unconvincingly – to play a humble blacksmith, named Blacksmith, an old chap, Gold, is offed by his crooked henchmen, Silver and Bronze. A knife-brandishing English soldier, named (groan) Knife, turns up, oh, and there’s a big bloke who can turn his body into brass, and he’s named Brass Body, and … no, sorry, this is pointless.

What did we think?
Ben says: There’s no doubting RZA’s long-held passion for chopsocky – but he hasn’t created a film. This is as authentic as glupping Red Bull with Sushi Train. This is his indulgent mess of a wet dream. And it’s utter wank.

Pitch Perfect

What’s it about?
Beca (Anna Kendrick) isn’t the sociable type but somehow gets cajoled into joining a social activity group called the Bellas. They “sing songs without any instruments at all. It’s all from our mouths” (insert appropriate blonde giggle here). But the Bellas are going to have to switch up their tired repertoire if they want a shot at beating their rivals, the Treblemakers, at nationals.  

What did we think?
Liz says: This film is what you would get if you sucked Glee dry of all it’s sugary, saccharine nonsense and injected it full of sassy, smart dialogue and a twisted sense of humour. Rebel Wilson steals the show as Fat Amy and had people in my audience applauding nearly every time she was on screen. There are moments where Pitch Perfect verges on taking itself too seriously, but they are few and this flick has attitude.

Top 25 Teen Flicks of All Time

The final Twilight film is out, and everyone is happy. The fans get the final chapter, and people like me get the knowledge that there won’t be any more. Sorry, but I got 10 minutes into the first film and had to walk out. The pouting, the angst, the pouting. I had my share of teen movies when I was a teenager.

Which made me think – every generation has the chance to create the greatest teen movie of all time. Before they do so, they need to see what’s reached that pinnacle so they can stand on the shoulders of giants.

That said, open the curtains, roll the ads for the candy bar, dim the lights, and prepare to tell me where I got it totally wrong …

Top 25 Teen Flicks of All Time

  1. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – no explanation needed. The ultimate teen film
  2. Kick Ass – because Chloë Grace Moretz KICKS ASS
  3. Grease – it’s a shame no one can be stranded at a drive-in anymore
  4. To Sir With Love – groundbreaking for its time, and still has the power to break your heart
  5. Rebel Without A Cause – the textbook on how to be a troubled teen
  6. Stand By Me – story by Stephen King, directed by Rob Reiner, cast included River Phoenix & Wil Wheaton. Hard to beat this calibre.
  7. Romeo + Juliet – Shakespeare rocketed into the 20th Century with some chap called Leonardo
  8. The Breakfast Club – high school is hell … welcome to purgatory
  9. The Wild One – Brando was so bad the film was banned in the UK
  10. Back to the Future – Doc! DeLorean! Making sure your parents pash!
  11. Fast Times at Ridgemont High – keeping in real in the 80’s
  12. Footloose – something the red states of the US should watch again ASAP
  13. Wayne’s World – Bohemian Rhapsody head banging … Schwing!
  14. Ghost World – awkward, outcast teens & geeks in the noughties
  15. Heathers – because nothing says “I love you” than murdering the cool kids who make fun of you
  16. Edward Scissorhands – because a best-of movie list without Johnny Depp isn’t a list
  17. Dead Poet’s Society – be inspired and jump on your desk before Robin Williams starts doing silly voices again
  18. Donnie Darko – I wasn’t sure if this should make the list, but there’s this rabbit sitting next to me who is very convincing
  19. Pump Up The Volume – before the internet, there was pirate radio. Talk hard!
  20. Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion – OMG, like, you know?
  21. American Pie – flautists were never looked at the same way again
  22. The Harry Potter Series – some films plod, but just watching the trio growing up (oh, those magical pains of puberty) warrants a mention
  23. Risky Business – Tom Cruise in underwear. Before he became a nut-job (allegedly)
  24. American Graffiti – yes kids, George Lucas made films aside from Star Wars
  25. Mean Girls – Heathers without the murders but balanced out with Lindsay Lohan
Honourable Mentions:
  • Superbad – McLovin’
  • Bend it Like Beckham – Keira Knightly playing football
  • I Know What You Did Last Summer – teenagers being murdered for fun
  • Fame – remember my name
  • Clueless – it’s Jane Austin, bitch!
  • 10 Things I Hate About You – it’s Shakespeare, bitch!
  • Easy A – it’s The Scarlet Letter, bitch!
  • Sixteen Candles – it sucks when everyone forgets your birthday
  • Scott Pilgrim vs. the World – who knew dating could be this dangerous?
  • Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead – because Christina Applegate
  • Zombieland – because Bill Murray. because zombies
  • Juno – the sobering side to teen sex
  • Teen Wolf – Michael’s a Fox appears again with some harmless fluff
Dishonourable Mentions:
  • Twilight – setting the image of the modern woman back 50 years
  • Crossroads – because Britney, bitch!
  • Porky’s – good idea, poorly made. American Pie got it right
  • Return to the Blue Lagoon – you’d think Hollywood would have learnt from their mistakes, wouldn’t you?
  • Step Up 1, 2 & 3 – speaking of mistakes … you really think a reason needs to be made?
C’mon. You’re dying to let me know what’s wrong here. The comments box is right there. I dare you.

What’s Popular

Cinderella

What’s it about? 
Disney raids its back catalogue to gives one of its most iconic tales a coat of live-action paint.

What did we think? 
Amy Currie says: Director Kenneth Branagh’s take on Cinderella doesn’t stray too far from the source material, but plumps the story up enough to be interesting. It’s a beautiful chocolate box of a film that gives its familiar characters a bit more depth (but manages to resist the urge to update by simply cutting-and-pasting modern sass onto fairytale staples). Helena Bonham-Carter’s fairy godmother is a delight, but Cate Blanchett’s wicked stepmother steals the show. Oh, and the Prince (Game of Thrones‘ Richard Madden) wears some very, very tight breeches which can only be described as enchanting. See it before the clock strikes 12.

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

What’s it about?
When a diabolical pirate above the sea steals the secret Krabby Patty formula, SpongeBob and his nemesis Plankton must team up in order to get it back.

What did we think?
NOTE: Our reviewer declined to comment as she couldn’t bear to spend one more second of her life thinking about this film.

Insurgent

What’s it about?
Part two in the Divergent trilogy sees our heroes, Tris (Shailene Woodley) and Four (Theo James) attempt to uncover the truth about their society’s rigid faction system and bring down its Machiavellian government.

What did we think?
Lisa Clifford says: Insurgent begins where Divergent left off – a little disorientating for those unfamiliar with the first installment or novels. For a dystopian teen drama, it’s a pretty bleak look at the lengths some will go to for power and pulls no punches when it comes to violence and death. The strong cast does their best with the at-times mediocre dialogue. The story moves along a reasonable pace, spurred on by some decent edge-of-your-seat action sequences. An improvement on its predecessor, Insurgent builds to a satisfying climax while effectively setting up the final installment in the trilogy. Fans of the books and the first film will enjoy.

Home

What’s it about?
Oh, an alien on the run from his own people, lands on Earth and makes friends with the adventurous Tip, who is on a quest of her own.

What did we think?
Erin Lane says:  Not even the voices of Jim Parsons and Rihanna can save Home from a terrible blandness. Their presence might help the film’s popularity and, to be honest, it probably needs all the help it can get. The forced Boov dialogue – more Jar Jar than Yoda – grates and there are so many little morals coming at you that it’s hard to see what a child would go away with from the movie. A poor plot without a consistent theme just makes it difficult viewing for adults. It alternates between too cutesy and too clever for its own good (for example Tip is a nickname because her name is Gratuity). Kids might possibly like the cute aliens (who change colour with emotions) but let’s face it, cute aliens have been done before and much better.

Editor's Choice

Cinderella

What’s it about? 
Disney raids its back catalogue to gives one of its most iconic tales a coat of live-action paint.

What did we think? 
Amy Currie says: Director Kenneth Branagh’s take on Cinderella doesn’t stray too far from the source material, but plumps the story up enough to be interesting. It’s a beautiful chocolate box of a film that gives its familiar characters a bit more depth (but manages to resist the urge to update by simply cutting-and-pasting modern sass onto fairytale staples). Helena Bonham-Carter’s fairy godmother is a delight, but Cate Blanchett’s wicked stepmother steals the show. Oh, and the Prince (Game of Thrones‘ Richard Madden) wears some very, very tight breeches which can only be described as enchanting. See it before the clock strikes 12.

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

What’s it about?
When a diabolical pirate above the sea steals the secret Krabby Patty formula, SpongeBob and his nemesis Plankton must team up in order to get it back.

What did we think?
NOTE: Our reviewer declined to comment as she couldn’t bear to spend one more second of her life thinking about this film.

Insurgent

What’s it about?
Part two in the Divergent trilogy sees our heroes, Tris (Shailene Woodley) and Four (Theo James) attempt to uncover the truth about their society’s rigid faction system and bring down its Machiavellian government.

What did we think?
Lisa Clifford says: Insurgent begins where Divergent left off – a little disorientating for those unfamiliar with the first installment or novels. For a dystopian teen drama, it’s a pretty bleak look at the lengths some will go to for power and pulls no punches when it comes to violence and death. The strong cast does their best with the at-times mediocre dialogue. The story moves along a reasonable pace, spurred on by some decent edge-of-your-seat action sequences. An improvement on its predecessor, Insurgent builds to a satisfying climax while effectively setting up the final installment in the trilogy. Fans of the books and the first film will enjoy.

Home

What’s it about?
Oh, an alien on the run from his own people, lands on Earth and makes friends with the adventurous Tip, who is on a quest of her own.

What did we think?
Erin Lane says:  Not even the voices of Jim Parsons and Rihanna can save Home from a terrible blandness. Their presence might help the film’s popularity and, to be honest, it probably needs all the help it can get. The forced Boov dialogue – more Jar Jar than Yoda – grates and there are so many little morals coming at you that it’s hard to see what a child would go away with from the movie. A poor plot without a consistent theme just makes it difficult viewing for adults. It alternates between too cutesy and too clever for its own good (for example Tip is a nickname because her name is Gratuity). Kids might possibly like the cute aliens (who change colour with emotions) but let’s face it, cute aliens have been done before and much better.

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